So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
