He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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