New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
birth control should be required to get into college
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
being pregnant is like rehab
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
