The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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