I bet he comes in French.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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