My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
