So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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