Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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