If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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