2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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