remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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