Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
