Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
