I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
