god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
