I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
