She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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