I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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