I want to walk on stilts...naked
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
