Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
