I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
