I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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