Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
