either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
