just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
