The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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