i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
