I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Someone shattered a urinal.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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