Quick, to the slutcave!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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