So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
