I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
