it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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