First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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