Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
