How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
