i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
