Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
