Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
time to smoke my breakfast
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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