We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
