He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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