ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
