I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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