I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
