Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
