Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
