He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
