when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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