Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
