guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He has the fingertips of a God
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