apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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