it hurts more in the daytime
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
